Help for my Marriage to a Spouse/Partner with ADHD, Autism/Asberger’s or Neurodiversity
Christina Unruh, LCSW Specializes in helping individuals cope with the impact of being partnered with a person whom they suspect may have neurodevelopmental differences. Neurodevelopmental disorders are a group of disorders that affect the development of the nervous system, leading to abnormal brain function which may affect emotion, learning ability, self-control, and memory. Autism Spectrum Disorder is a Neurodevelopmental disorder that largely affects social behavior including communication. In our current culture, there are issues with how we label neurodevelopmental differences that impact social functioning. Terms such as Autism or Asberger’s are frequently used, although the latter is no longer an official label. Additionally, the term Atypical has recently been used to refer to Autistic individuals and Neurotypical has been used to label everyone else. Terms like these are rigorously and continually evaluated in the field of Medicine, Neuroscience, and Behavioral Health Sciences for appropriateness and inclusivity.
Neurodiversity is a much newer a term used to refer to individuals with neurodevelopmental differences as they relate to social functioning. Neurodiversity is based on the fact that every human being develops a set of neurological traits and that there is a vast range of what is considered “normal.” Within that range, some individuals possess a constellation of traits that, when combined together, meet criteria for ADHD or Autism Spectrum Disorder. From this definition, we know that not everyone with Autism-related or ADHD-related traits is diagnosable with a disorder. But functioning can still be impacted to varying degrees. Even possessing just a few traits that fall on the Autism Spectrum can have an impact on a person’s social functioning and relationships.
To help clients address Neurodiversity in their marriages/partnerships, Christina Unruh, LCSW utilizes Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Acceptance-based, and Strengths-based approaches along with substantial Validation. Christina also has special training from UNC TEACCH and possesses 30 years of first-hand experience in living with adults who meet criteria for Autism Spectrum Disorder. She understands the subtle, nuanced and often private difficulties that play out on a daily basis when one person in a marriage or partnership is challenged by Neurodiversity.
Help Available when my Spouse/Partner may have Autism
- Increase your knowledge and appreciation of Neurodiversity
- Validate and “know” the suffering that can arise when one partner has neurodifferences
- Find the courage to be authentic and “real” in the relationship
- Label and describe problematic relational interactions
- Understand how behaviors function
- Increase effective communication through the 3 C’s: Clarity, Conciseness, and Concrete
- Find the courage to observe in appropriate behaviors and set proper limits
While Christina Unruh, LCSW does not work with couples, she specializes in working with individuals who are struggling to figure out what is “wrong” with the person they love. It is not uncommon in individual therapy to uncover evidence that the client’s partner may have Neurodevelopmental differences that are contributing to communication problems and relationship challenges. If neurodiversity is suspected, Christina Unruh, LCSW will teach you how to quickly shift your own behaviors to bring down conflict and increase communication with your partner. She will teach you how to share new relationship skills with your partner at home. DBT skills, in particular, can be shared respectfully and nonjudgmentally, even if your partner is in disagreement with your concerns about Neurodiversity.
Christina is knowledgeable about the specific ways that Neurodiversity impacts social behavior in relationships. She is keenly aware that neurodevelopmental differences can easily lead to conflict as each partner is viewing behavior and the world through a different lens. Sometimes, couples who know they are very “different” from one another, ask for too much when they want their partner to behave in certain ways. But with specialized DBT and Acceptance-based, Strengths-based Strategies along with Validation, you can find a way to improve the relationship. You can be authentic and true to yourself, WHILE also honoring the person you are committed to with lovingkindness and acceptance. You can learn to meet your own needs. And you can develop the clarity and courage to explore your options for the future.
When High Emotional Sensitivity Meets Autism
Christina Unruh, LCSW specializes in working with an individual to understand causes of conflict in intimate relationships and marriage. In particular, she is familiar with the unique challenges that emotionally sensitive individuals (HSP’s) face in their relationships to Neurodiverse individuals, whether they meet criteria for Autism Spectrum Disorder or not. There are fundamental skills for relating to partners who have Autism or ADHD. These skills help us to be heard and increase the chances of our needs getting met. Some of the needs of emotionally sensitive people are so subtle, there is not a good way of explaining them. Here are some common concerns expressed about relationships between emotionally sensitive individuals and Neurodiverse partners or spouses:
- I don’t feel my needs are taken seriously
- It’s like I am speaking a different language
- My partner thinks I am needy or ask for too much
- My partner makes me feel stupid or illogical
- My partner treats me like a child
- I don’t feel my partner really knows me or “gets me.”
- I feel emotionally disconnected from my partner
- My partner is insensitive to my needs and lacks empathy
- I never have the right words to say before I am interrupted
- I sometimes feel ambushed by my partner
- I overreact or I am a pushover
- I try to lay low and not rock the boat and it’s still not enough
- I cannot get my partner to listen or relate to what I am saying
- We don’t have reciprocity in our dialogue
- I am told my communication is disrespectful or out of control
- I can’t imagine asking for and getting what I need
DBT Skills Can Help You bring Equality Back to the Relationship
We begin learning relationship skills in childhood, from our earliest attachments with caregivers. Thankfully, for those whose early relationships have left them feeling at a disadvantage, relationship skills can be learned any time. Some of us hope to find people who will accept us EXACTLY the way we are. But when you care about someone, you hopefully desire to give him/her your very best and most skillful YOU. Being more skillful is your best strategy for ensuring a relationship built on equality and respect.
It may be that you are effective most of the time, but when the pressure is on and your emotions are high, you “lose it.” This can occur when the brain is so consumed with sensory data from emotions, there is not bandwidth left for problem solving. Did you know that being “worked up” in emotions can actually get in the way of accurately describing what we are going through, thus increasing the likelihood that people will misunderstand us?
Christina Unruh, LCSW believes that thinking from a behaviorist point of view is the place to start and that DBT skills build confidence as well as competence when working within highly charged and emotion-filled interactions. Christina will help you assess behaviors in your relationship without judgment. Ask about DBT Individual therapy today.
When you are the Parent of a Person with Autism or Asberger’s
“I believe the most important choice a family can make regarding the care of a loved one with Autism/Asberger’s or Neurodiversity is a therapist who is behaviorally-trained and has real world experience living with a family member with Autism. I am Intensively Trained in DBT and the parent of a young adult with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Many people call me seeking therapy for an older teen or young adult who is experiencing painful social effects caused by various neurodifferences. These family members are ready to do anything to get their loved one help, even though the entire household has been turned upside down. The family is moving from one crisis to the next. Over time, in an attempt to bring balance, the family dynamic has shifted and adapted in unhealthy ways to the Autism behaviors, in order to reduce individual and familial anxiety. But instead of helping, these shifts have thrown the family off-balance and onto a path they never dreamed of. Relationships are strained. Siblings are not speaking to one another or they are acting out. Parents, who have been confused by varying mental health diagnoses assigned to their loved one over the years by multiple mental health providers, have not received the education and support they need for setting limits and consequences within the household. It’s time that help was made available to the entire family because everyone matters.” Christina Unruh, LCSW
Family behavioral patterns–ways of communicating and interacting–that worked well in the early years of a family often lose effectiveness when a child with Autism enters Middle School and High School. Adolescence and young adulthood complicate the simple family dynamics that have been in place (although many parents look back and see that even in early family life there were many difficulties). Social inappropriateness begins to stand out. The teen begins to outsmart and outmaneuver his caregivers and siblings. A power struggle ensues that no amount of reason can impact.
Often it is in an ordinary psychotherapy session to address personal mental health symptoms or family difficulties that parents realize for the first time that their teen with Autism Spectrum Disorder (or suspected ASD) has become the most powerful person in the family. Christina Unruh, LCSW is Intensively trained in DBT and has 30 years of life experience working with Neurodiversity within the family system. She offers desperate parents and caregivers hope for change that can last. With DBT skills and specialized behavioral approaches, parents can take control. When Christina engages parents in discussions about their families, she asks, “What keeps each person in problem behaviors? How does each person benefit from keeping things as they are? How can we remove reinforcing behaviors and manage the consequences? What is normal, expected behavior? How can we set limits that are consistent with our value system? How can I balance love and acceptance with the need for things to change?”
It is possible to take back authority in the household and re-engineer a family structure that works for everyone. The earlier you start, the better. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skills and principles, which are grounded in Mindfulness, Applied Behavioral Analysis, and Cognitive Behavior Therapy, can help a family chart a new course…where everyone in the family matters and has an honored place. Everyone in the family can learn to live “Life on Life’s Terms” with Autism or Neurodiversity, and find freedom from unmanageable expectations. When one person’s behavior changes, the entire family changes.
Services Available:
1. Parent Therapy
2. Individual therapy for Partner or Spouse
3. Individual therapy for adults with Autism, Asperger’s, or Neurodiversity