Verbal communication in American culture tends to be abstract, metaphorical, satirical, sarcastic, and filled with double meanings. Society’s institutions such as the Media and Universities reward speech that is interesting and exciting. In high school, students are encouraged to write about facts but then draw conclusions about the facts. In the Arts, all communication is fair game and meaningful to someone. “Spoken Word Poetry” has gained in popularity in recent years, but if you listen to it carefully, much of what is spoken is unclear. It is subjective, like looking at a painting. The listener can gain an “idea” of what the poet is speaking, but no one knows for sure. It is open for interpretation. In fact, it is this aspect of communication that makes it so appealing for many people. Writers, especially, enjoy being able to say and mean something without really saying it. It’s called creativity. Social Media and digital communication have eliminated the need for complete sentences and few people seem bothered by it.
In families impacted by Neurodiversity (Autism/Asbergers), however, unclear communication can be detrimental to relationships and to the family structure. It is vital that family members become educated on the ways in which “talking behavior” impacts well-being. The success of communication at home plays a huge role in a person’s ability to build friendships outside of the family unit, and impacts one’s social confidence and courage. Every person in a family has the right to understand what is being communicated.
This is the first of several posts I will publish on Family Communication when Autism is present. What I share here is my own observations based on my personal experience as a member of a neuro-diverse family and as a professional psychotherapist. You cannot change communication if you have not observed it. Today I will discuss my own observations regarding abstract communication, which is generally not helpful for anyone, let alone a person with neuro-differences.
Abstract or Over-Generalized Communication in Families with Autism
Many individuals with neuro-differences have outstanding verbal abilities. Many demonstrate an interest in or a talent for debate or oration. On topics of interest to them, they offer a wealth of study and knowledge and a love of sharing what they know with others. So it may surprise you that this love of talking does not always extend to what others are talking about. In fact, the general conversations that many of us happily engage in can be experienced as boring or irritating to persons with neuro-differences. This is especially true when the wording that is being used is vague and the topics are stressful and confusing.
Most well meaning parents, in an effort to make the most of communication opportunities, try to engage their child or teen with Autism/Asbergers in highly conceptual conversations as a means of educating and protecting and preparing them for the life, specifically for the rigors of adolescence and adulthood. These parents may happily chat along, not knowing that much of what they are saying is confusing and even frightening. Vague topics that should be approached with caution are too numerous to mention but I will attempt to observe some of them in this and subsequent blog posts. Keep in mind that neurodifferences vary widely. A difficult conversation for one person may seem easier for another. But the only people who can make the determination about the success of a conversation are the people engaging in it. All opinions matter. A nice, long chat may seem meaningful and successful to a parent who has interpreted nonverbal listening cues, silence and the absence of argument as a sign that understanding has occurred. But the person with Autism or Asbergers may have another view entirely.
Here are just a few statements that are vague and non-behaviorally specific. These statements do not inform the listener as to what they should do or even what they have done. Statements such as these tend to elicit confusion and discouragement in persons with Autism:
1. “You used to be so outgoing! What happened?”
2. “If you work hard now it will pay off in the future.”
3. “We keep talking about the same things but you never seem to get it.”
4. “You are doing better but we have a way to go.”
5. “If had listened to me, you would not have been fired.”
6. “You make others feel uncomfortable” vs. “People don’t like to be yelled at”
7. “Do you even care about making your brother feel badly?”
8. “Oh this is the same thing you always say” or “You always make excuses.”
How to Increase communication effectiveness with loved ones impacted by Autism/Asbergers:
1. Address specific behaviors: “You yelled” vs.”You disrespected me.”
2. Be brief with one or two sentences.
3. Allow silence to help everyone stay calm.
4. Stick to one idea per conversation.
5. If yelling stops, the conversation should stop.
6. Employ popcorn sentences or a Word Volley.
7. Less is MORE. Use less words and shorten conversation time.
8. Be Neutral. Be Factual. Be Specific.