What you Already Know about Relationships
Believe it or not, you already know what a good relationship is supposed to look like and feel like. Think of the person with whom you feel the closest. There is reciprocity of communication, a feeling that you are truly understood by that person, and trust. But sometimes relationship difficulties skew our expectations and we begin to normalize patterns that are detrimental to everyone involved. So before you think about what help you need, start to be curious about what is going right in your relationships. What are you doing right? What are others doing right? Observing these facts will help you figure out what help you need.
My Partner and I are so different!
It has been said that “opposites attract.” But sometimes the differences in how we relate and how another person relates to us are too big to handle. Neurodiversity is becoming more of an issue in today’s relationships along with other factors such as culture, ethnicity, race, family of origin and early childhood training, and transgenerational family values and behaviors. We each see the world through multiple lenses based on these factors, along with our own temperament and our neurodevelopmental wiring. The variables that impact how relationships feel to us are endless. Christina Unruh can help you pinpoint issues related to these factors in your own relational style and teach DBT skills to enhance your ability to be your best with others. For more information about Neurodiversity, click here.
Help! I think my Partner has Borderline Personality Disorder!
I receive frequent emails from partners and spouses who are concerned that they are living with a person with Borderline Personality (BPD) or a Narcissist, or a “toxic person.” They want to know how they can assist their partner or spouse with getting the help they need. Your best chance at helping your relationship is by working on yourself and by getting oriented to observing behaviors in both yourself and your partner or spouse. By observing and describing interactions, we can change them. If one person changes, the other person must change too. Behavior impacts other behavior. Christina Unruh will teach you to think behaviorally and to identify what is really going on, before you begin assigning labels to your partner or spouse that may or may not be accurate. To learn more about DBT click here.
Why do I need Therapy if my Spouse/Partner is the Problem?
We begin learning relationship skills in childhood, from our earliest attachments with caregivers. Because people are raised by other people, and none of us is perfect, there are bound to be some issues with Attachment in our formative years. Moreover, as life happens, our family environment is usually fraught with challenges, many of which you may have forgotten or normalized. One client reported that her loving family was impacted by loss of the family business, a house fire, a pet death, and a life threatening illness all in one year. I wish her story was unusual but it is not. Life does happen and it can affect how everyone behaves and responds to others, sometimes impacting the whole family system for years to come.
Thankfully, for those whose early relationships have left them feeling at a disadvantage, relationship skills can be learned any time. Some of us hope to find people who will accept us EXACTLY the way we are so that we do not have to change. But when you care about someone, you hopefully desire to give that person your very best and most skillful YOU. It is never too late nor is it ever asking too much to learn how to behave with others and respond to the needs of others. In fact, closeness with others is the best defense against depression and other mental health symptoms. How can you be the best YOU?
Help! I am TOO Emotional for my Partner/Spouse!
It may be that you are effective most of the time, but when the pressure is on and your emotions are high, you “lose it.” This can occur when the brain is so consumed with sensory data from emotions, there is not bandwidth left for problem solving. Did you know that being “worked up” in emotions can actually get in the way of accurately describing what we are going through, thus increasing the likelihood that people will misunderstand us?
DBT Skills to Help you Improve your Relationship
Research proven tools from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), such as emotion regulation, distress tolerance, mindfulness, and interpersonal effectiveness can help you:
- Validate others even when you disagree with them
- Generate warmth and empathy in any situation
- Foster effective communication with your children
- Create respect and love
- Deliver feedback without regret
- Problem solve situations with others without losing your cool
- Say exactly what you mean to say, nothing more, nothing less
- Build trust and credibility
- Communicate in a way that is consistent with your values
Helping individuals to make improvements in their important relationships is an individualized process. But Christina Unruh, LCSW believes that thinking from a behaviorist point of view is the place to start. Christina will help you assess behaviors in your relationship without judgment. Call for a Consultation today.